Month: August 2024

Lights will guide you home.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Are you broken? Lost?

Lights will guide you home.

Consider the story of The Tenth Goose told by Richard R. Powell in his book Wabi Sabi for Writers:

Nine Canada geese lift off a clear mountain lake; droplets from their wings cast lines of rings behind them on the glassy surface as they rise. Light gray feathers reflect amber light from the early morning sun, a clean glow off each curved body. You watch their broad wings grip air, watch nine bodies rise and fall in rhythm against the dark forest behind them. Each bird’s neck kinks in counter-time to its wing beats so that all nine heads remain level and each set of eyes gazes steadily out at the cool dawn, bright mystery of sight amid the shiny black head feathers. Closer now, you make out the expressionless curve of their beaks, see one goose’s thin moist tongue as she honks; hear the whistle of air across wing feathers as they pass over your head. Then you notice that there is a tenth goose far back, low to the water, working hard to catch up, honking softly, as if each wing beat hurts. This goose loses a feather as she passes close over you and you watch the feather spiral and glide to the ground. You pick it up and it looks perfect, each barbule lying neatly against its neighbor, the tiny whorl of fluff near the calamus soft to the touch. Then you see that the shaft is not perfect; it is cracked open from the middle to the tip.

You keep that feather, tuck it under the strap around your car’s sun visor, look at it every day you drive to work and remember the tenth goose. Remember your own efforts to keep up. And somehow, that tenth goose gives you courage. You wonder if she will find enough food or if winter will separate her from the rest, separate her from life. She speaks to you in a dream one night. In the distracted moments of the day she speaks to you, in the elevator or while you wait in traffic. Then one night she is there in your dream again, as silent as her feather in your car. She tips her head at you and that beak, with its lumpy prominence like a Roman nose, bobs up and down and you realize she is giving you permission to speak. In the dream you speak and she turns her head to hear you and you tell her your fear of dying and your hopes while living and she comes and rattles her beak between your fingers.

There is beauty and strength in the broken places, a beauty that continues on even when everything is a struggle, that faces setbacks with determination. Sometimes we are one of the nine geese, sure and strong, in sync, but sometimes we are the tenth goose struggling to keep up. And there is beauty in that, too:

It is a kind of beauty on the edge of defeat, a beauty tenacious and brave, and it is the beauty left behind when the warm, honking goose is gone. And not just flown away–but dead and gone. That feather remains as a testament to the beauty in living; and even when the feather dries and cracks and is eventually eaten by insects or the drab extension of time, it will live on in the imaginations of those who hear the story of the tenth goose.

Remember the Story of the Tenth Goose and take heart.

And, for a treat, here is Coldplay.

Compassion as strength.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Last week at the DNC, we glimpsed Gus, the son of vice-presidential candidate Tim Walz, in an unguarded, moment, filled with pride and love, crying, and saying, ‘That’s my dad!’ For me and millions of others, that raw, unfiltered emotion choked us up. It was a beautiful moment, such a clear window into a pure love.

But for many others, trained perhaps to hide their own emotions and toughen up as they age, that moment led to mockery and cruel responses.

What accounts for such wildly different responses?

Perhaps the difference lies in how we view vulnerability, which in turn, colors how we trust others. Do we feel like we must mask our emotions and vulnerabilities? Do we feel like we must project only a polished and tough persona?

Brené Brown says,

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.

Do we really believe the bully is the strong one? Perhaps the strong one is the one brave enough to be honest and true.

Joy shadow.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

How wonderful it would be to count all joy– to recognize the gift in the difficulty, to see the growth in the hardship, to see joy as a reflection of sorrow. Grief, despair, hopelessness, loss can hit so hard, it may feel like we will never feel joy again. And yet joy follows us like a shadow if we can pause to be grateful.

Then a woman said, “Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.” 

And he answered: 

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. 

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. 

And how else can it be? 

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. 

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? 

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? 

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. 

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. 

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.” 

But I say unto you, they are inseparable. 

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. 

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. 

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. 

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall. Khalil Gibran, Joy and Sorrow, Chapter Viii

Love v. Control.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Falling is an appropriate metaphor for love. Exhilaration, yes, but also a loss of control, fear, vulnerability, chance of being hurt. And yet, as a relationship develops, and we become more and more entwined in each other’s lives, often we have expectations of how that should go. We proceed with plans and agendas.

When the love is of a child, often control is a substitute for teaching and patience. Molding them rather than letting them blossom is easier.

But is that still love?

Tenzen Palmo says:

Attachment is the very opposite of love. Love says, ‘I want you to be happy.’ Attachment says, ‘I want you to make me happy.’

In any loving relationship, we need to constantly remind ourselves to put the other first, to want what is best for them, to cheer their successes and mourn their failures, to encourage and support. And, hopefully, our loved one will love us in that same way right back.

Adulting.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Toni Morrison had a gift for complexity and nuance in her writing. Multi-dimensional characters and lots of gray area rule the day in her work.

I found it interesting to hear this perspective from her:

I just think goodness is more interesting. Evil is constant. You can think of different ways to murder people, but you can do that at age five. But you have to be an adult to consciously, deliberately be good — and that’s complicated.

It’s an age-old question whether people are inherently good, whether altruism is learned or instinctive, whether selflessness develops naturally.

But there definitely is an intentionality to doing good, choosing kindness, forgiving, welcoming, holding your tongue. And as we grow older and cast off our childish ways, we learn the wisdom of restraint and forbearance.

And we learn the power of good because often we are on the receiving end of it and know how much it matters.

And then when it’s our turn, we want to pass it on.

Unique you.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

What are the things you love, the things you hate, the things that keep you up at night? What are your favorite smells, sounds, tastes, sights, things to touch? How are you inhabiting that body you’ve been given and finding joy?

Whatever your combination of answers to these questions is, it is uniquely your own. It is what makes you, you.

For each of us, that answer will be different, but all part of the same global struggle for individualism. Here is George Bernard Shaw’s answer to some of these questions:

So long as I remain alive and well, I shall continue to feel strongly about prose style, to love the surface of the earth, and to take a pleasure in solid objects and scraps of useless information.

I love his list. What’s yours?

Standing rapt in awe.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

It doesn’t matter how old we get. There is always something that captures our attention and imagination, and, maybe even, holds us rapt in awe. Often it’s in nature, but sometimes it’s in human inventiveness. Or, maybe, a combination of the two.

This is something that captured my attention recently and held my fascination. First in amusement, then in wonder, and, finally, awe.

What a remarkable world we live in.

Lying liars who lie.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Lie? Why not? Everyone does it, don’t they?

We have many words for lies: white lies, fudging, fibs, whoppers, but what is at the heart of each is knowingly substituting a different version of the facts for what we know is the truth. Sometimes, like with Wells Fargo and Bernie Madoff, the lies result in substantial financial gain for the liar and substantial loss for the victim.

What propels someone to lie so extravagantly or, even, at all?

Studies show that the big whoppers evolve from the littlest of lies: our brain changes as we lie, making us more and more willing to tell bigger and bigger lies:

A new study claims to provide the first empirical evidence showing that dishonesty gradually increases over time. By using scans that measured the brain’s response to lying, researchers saw that each new lie resulted in smaller and smaller neurological reactions ― especially in the amygdala, which is the brain’s emotional core.

In effect, each new fib appeared to desensitize the brain, making it easier and easier to tell more lies.

This is alarming, not just because it can lead to widespread fraud but also because a liar begins to live in an alternate reality. Over time, people can begin to believe the lies they tell themselves and others, putting them in a position where their beliefs just don’t square with the world they’re living in. They are constantly confronted with the disconnect between their altered reality and reality itself, leading to greater and greater anger and frustration. Sometimes those lies are self-delusional, leading people to never adequately address and progress beyond their own problems. In short, lies lead to fragmentation, discord, breach of trust, chaos.

Now, truth doesn’t always lead to harmony. Some truths lead to a road of very hard work, reconciliation, and compromise. But at the heart of telling the truth is an increase in trust which is the glue that binds a couple, a family, a community, a country, and is necessary for any true progress.

Preparing for an uncertain future.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

None of us knows what the future holds. But we do know the values we hold dear—honesty, integrity, love, compassion, empathy, respect, tolerance. As we raise our children, we instill these values. As adults, we model these values whether we win or lose, succeed or fail, sink or swim. Watching us, they learn, and, as they go forward into their futures, they will bring these values to their own decisions. If each of us does this, we will leave the world a better brighter place for our having been here.

Paying attention to attention.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Humans are complicated creatures. Sometimes we feel emotions and have no idea why. And perhaps that is for good reason because much of what affects us is hidden. Consider, for example, subliminal advertising. People would go to the movies and watch reels that had ‘Buy Popcorn’ hidden in a few frames, not enough to consciously notice, but enough so that people watching got the sudden urge for popcorn. Or perhaps you’ve been watching a show where the characters are sharing a cup of coffee and, suddenly, felt an urge for a cup of Joe. Model homes are designed and staged in such a way that you can easily imagine yourself living there and stepping into the life reflected in the art and photographs of that fictional happy family, if only you buy the house.

Or consider the influence of color. Pink has been associated with a calming effect and has been used in drunk tanks and visiting team locker rooms in an effort to sway human behavior.And it works so well that now the Western Athletic Conference has a rule that the lockers rooms can be painted any color, including pink, but both teams must have the same color.

It behooves us to pay attention to what we are paying attention to. Are our emotions being stirred up? Take a minute and consider why. Is someone trying to manipulate us in some way? It happens often in advertising and politics. Being aware of the ways we can be influenced, and opening our eyes to those manipulations, helps keep us in the driver’s seats of our own lives.