Jaqueline Kennedy once said that, “If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much.”
Our children are our highest priority. Through our love and attention, they can grow up believing in themselves and their ability to make a difference. For a fascinating discussion on how simple changes in the ways we speak to them and affirm their efforts can make profound differences in their future lives, go here.
It’s not about an A; it’s about engagement. It’s not about learning one skill; it’s about curiosity. It’s not about talent; it’s about effort. Simple shifts, profound results!
One of the frustrations of life is you gain perspective as you mature which may have come really in handy back when you were young. So many mistakes then could have been avoided if you had then the perspective you have now.
Movies like Back to the Future and The Kid have fun with this premise allowing a character to return to their younger selves with their current perspective or vice versa. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly changes the whole course of his family history. In Disney’s The Kid, Russ Duritz, played by Bruce Willis, is confronted by an 8 year old version of himself who wants to know where their dog is since he assumed he would have one as an adult.
What would you ask your older self? What would your child self have wanted you to remember? Would your younger self recognize who you have become?
Each year as I grew up, my mother would have me fill out a school years book of memories. One of the checklists asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up. For girls, the choices were pretty stereotyped: mother, teacher, nurse, stewardess…. But there was an Other box with a blank. One year, I checked that and filled in ‘Pet Owner’. My little self hadn’t know a day without pets to love and couldn’t imagine my older self wouldn’t have pets, too.
My cats then
My cats now
And, each year, I checked, among other things, ‘Mother’. Now, I’m lucky to be a mother and a nana to this lot.
So in some ways, I have been true to little Shari. But I wonder what else she might have wondered about me. What questions would I have had?
In Pride Month, I’m reminded of the videos of people telling younger people, ‘It Gets Better’, that the loneliness and questioning they may feel now won’t define them later. That impulse to tell their younger selves to hold on has been a powerful statement for youth coming to age later. Www.itgetsbetter.org has become the world’s largest story telling effort to help LGBTQIA youth.
The perspective we’ve gained now, lessons we’ve learned, can be lifeblood to others going through struggles like what we have overcome. One of the gifts of age is to be able to use our experiences to help others. Indeed, many therapy models embrace the idea of nurturing your own younger self now in ways you might not have received when you were young, to listen to your own inner young self, and treat yourself now with the kindness you wish you had had then.
It’s an interesting exercise to sit and imagine what the conversation between your current self and your child self would look like? What questions does your younger self have? What comfort and reassurance can your older self provide?
Consider this video, years in the making, where 6th grade children recorded the questions and their older 12th grade selves recorded the answers.
In a recent Oprah magazine, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about her Inner Crone — a version of herself old, happy, and well past the point of fear — that she pictures when she needs a shot of courage. She considers her Inner Crone to be “a badass old lady who already dwells somewhere deep within [her] and whom [she] hope[s] to fully become someday.” Picturing her Inner Crone gives Gilbert gumption.
But she also remembers her Inner Child, and pictures that child particularly when she is feeling depressed or hard on herself:
Many years ago when I was going through a dark season of depression and self-loathing, I taped a sweet photograph of myself at the tender age of 2 on my bathroom mirror. Looking at that photo every day reminded me that I once was this blameless little person, deserving of all tenderness–and that part of me would always be this blameless little person deserving of all tenderness. Meditating upon a smaller and more innocent version of my face helped me to learn to be more compassionate to myself. I was finally able to recognize that any harm I inflicted on me, I was also inflicting on her. And that little kid clearly didn’t deserve to be harmed.
We could all benefit from picturing our Inner Child when we are being hard on ourselves. Would you criticize that little child the way you are criticizing yourself now, or would you be more patient and encouraging? Would you demand perfection from that child, or would you celebrate progress? If you were wounded by adults when you were a child, you now are an adult who can support that little child in a healing way.
Think back. Can you remember that Inner Child who is still a part of you? The joy and exuberance, enthusiasm and trust, innocence and promise? No matter how far you’ve come from that start, treat yourself with kindness, patience, and compassion. That Inner Child is alive and well…and trusts you.
There are things in this life that break us. Usually they involve some sort of loss—of health, of life, of relationship, of stuff. Despair is a crippler. You can’t breathe; you can’t think; you can’t see a way out. The world becomes very small until it feels like you are living in a tiny bubble apart from everything and everyone, floating along fragile in your pain. At times like these, you have to force yourself to hope and to push through. Start with your breath. In and out, in and out, until it is smooth and full, rather than broken with the catch in your throat from the threatening cry. Keep at that, smooth and full, smooth and full, smooth and full until you can open your eyes and start noticing beauty, maybe, at first, in the tiniest of things. A drop of dew on the grass, the feel of breeze on your skin, laughter of a child, the bud of a flower, birds in flight. Keep at it. No one said it would be easy. Keep at it. Smooth and full, smooth and full, smooth and full.
Do you have any disagreeable people in your life? People you avoid, maybe?
What if they are the ones who need love the most?
Most teachers will tell you that the child who acts out is the one most in need of love and attention. but those kids have learned to ask for it in all the wrong ways. And those children grow up, sometimes into disagreeable adults who still ask for love and attention in all the wrong ways. Maybe they have been disappointed so many times, they’ve learned to strike first, to reject you before you reject them.
Do you know anyone like that?
It’s no particular challenge to love the people who love us. But the ones who rile us, who ruffle our feathers, who are caustic and rude? That takes some serious patience and humility. But, perhaps, that is a place you are desperately needed.
We all hurt right now. Our whole world grieves the loss of what once was. The present turmoil and divisiveness weigh us down. Each of us is struggling.
But what of the children? How are they doing? How will they remember this time?
They look to us to keep them safe, to care for them, to put their needs first. They don’t understand the greater turmoil. They see, keenly, what is right in front of them. What is that?
While we may not have a ton of control over world events, we do have control over how we treat the littlest among us. Consider the profound effect your words and actions have on children just starting to be introduced to the world. Temper your anger, your frustration, your dismay. There is no harm in having a full range of emotions, and teaching children that they, too, will be subject to sadness and disappointment, frustration and anger, bewilderment and helplessness as they age. But never let them forget that you love them and are with them and that you will stay in their corners come what may.
We start so little and helpless, not knowing much of anything, but responding to love, comfort, care, concern. As we grow, there have been people who have brought joy to our lives, people who have helped us step out and grow.
For these people, we offer thanks.
As Mr. Rogers explained:
From the time you were very little, you’ve had people who have smiled you into smiling, people who have talked you into talking, sung you into singing, loved you into loving. So, on this extra special day, let’s take some time to think of those extra special people.
And we have them now, don’t we? Those people who smile us into smiling and love us into loving?
We are each born helpless. How we got from there to where we are now depended on the generosity of many people. Among those are our teachers, those people who devoted their time to making sure we understood the world around us and how to negotiate the ups and downs of the road ahead. Those teachers who went beyond the lesson plan to help us learn not just facts, but how to think and analyze, how to care and feel, and how to reach out to others deserve our unending gratitude.
None of us knows what the future holds. But we do know the values we hold dear—honesty, integrity, love, compassion, empathy, respect, tolerance. As we raise our children, we instill these values. As adults, we model these values whether we win or lose, succeed or fail, sink or swim. Watching us, they learn, and, as they go forward into their futures, they will bring these values to their own decisions. If each of us does this, we will leave the world a better brighter place for our having been here.
Recently, I pulled down an old scrapbook from my junior high days to show my granddaughter Lily who is just that same age now as I was then. It contained many ‘treasures’. Among the many letters and cards from my late grandmother was one talking about the buzzards coming back home to Hinckley, Ohio, a phenomenon which I remember amused me. Imagine celebrating buzzards!
She wrote:
It should cheer you somewhat to know that the buzzards returned to Hinckley, Ohio, on schedule on March 15th. It is always a comfort to know those gorgeous creatures ‘do their thing’ each year, as anticipated. It would be a bit discouraging to prepare pancakes and sausages for 35,000 eager folks, and have no buzzards to join in the celebration!
Oh, how I loved her, her humor and wit, her warmth and love, her writing style. I have always felt such a kinship with her and reading over her letters makes her feel so close.
Her letter got me thinking. First, about buzzards. Sure enough, a quick bit of googling shows that buzzards are still returning to Hinckley on schedule and have been celebrated since 1818!
And then about the cyclical quality of nature. The monarchs go south and then back. The swallows return to San Juan Capistrano. The elephant seals come back to Cambria. We humans who love animals mark their going and celebrate their homecoming, yes, even the buzzards, and note the steady passage of time.
And finally about how those we’ve lost stay with us even after they’ve gone. Lily has a freckle on her right hand which I’ve told her is her Nana freckle. I load it up with kisses often when I see her. When I’m gone, I hope that freckle will remind her of how very much I loved her. My grandmother and I were separated by thousands of miles, but our letters exchanged helped us stay close. Those letters remind me now to pause and share bits of life, simple moments, with the people I love. Those moments become the memories and precious treasure later.
Even the ones about buzzards.
(I couldn’t quite bring myself to make the lead picture with buzzards. Lol)
QuotableCreek.com 