Bless the comforters, those who reach out and see others hurting and grief stricken, and offer them solace. Who sit with those going through difficult times, and give of their presence. Who offer kind, comforting words.
We sometimes think those who are good at comforting don’t know loss of their own, but the opposite is probably true.
As said by Rainer Maria Rilke:
Do not assume that he who seeks to comfort you now lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to find such words.
Perhaps the only good to come of great loss is the ability to recognize it in others and offer them comfort and companionship.
Sometimes things hum along nicely, and you can feel a deep sense of progress in yourself, your relationships, and the world.
Sometimes the opposite is true.
You feel yourself retreating and losing hope. Your relationships fray. Progress in the world is wiped away.
At times like these, we need to hunker down and draw on a well of hope inside in each of us that springs up with the knowledge that we can do better, we deserve better, and we will fight for ourselves and each other to make the world better.
We may not know yet the battleground we will be called to or the terms of engagement.
We do, though, know the weaponry we will fight with.
Love, honesty, integrity, justice, compassion. These tools of the light will vanquish darkness. We can’t forget what is good and right.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8
Nothing is more important than empathy for another human being’s suffering. Not a career. Not wealth. Not intelligence. Certainly not status. We have to feel for one another if we’re going to survive with dignity.
~Audrey Hepburn
Studies show empathy, the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes and consider their point of view, might be on the decline in the United States. With a lack of empathy comes the possibility of othering, cruelty, and self-absorption.
What can we do to increase our empathy for others?
Consider this novel idea: empathy walks. Literally mirroring someone’s walk, not in a stalkery or critical way, but as a silent practice in visualizing what it must be like to be that person. Consider this example:
It all started on one of my regular walks into town. I was head-down, in a hurry, when I noticed an older woman ahead of me. She was walking slowly—agonizingly slowly, if I’m being honest—and my first instinct was annoyance. But then I thought about the old acting school exercise. What if, instead of speeding up to dodge her, I matched her pace? So, I slowed down, mimicking her small, deliberate steps, the way she slightly leaned to one side, her arms swaying as if carrying invisible weights.
And then it hit me: empathy. Not the mushy, Hallmark-card kind, but a physical understanding of what it might feel like to be her. As I moved like her, my irritation evaporated. I didn’t just see her; I felt her. I thought about the phrase “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes,” and realized it’s not the shoes that matter; it’s the walk….
So, the next time you’re out walking, try it. Pick someone ahead of you and mimic their stride. Notice where they’re tight, where they’re loose, how they carry themselves. Let their tension teach you about your own. Let their walk reshape yours. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel a little less separate and a little more connected—to them, to yourself, and to this messy, beautiful, shared experience we call being human.
We are all different, with different joys and burdens, challenges and delights. We each bring a different package of strengths and weaknesses to any situation. As we begin to appreciate the different points of views and perspectives of those around us, our empathy grows, and with that, our own world expands.
Sometimes a good walk can change your perspective. Consider these words from Anne Lamott:
My husband said something a few years ago that I often quote: 80% of everything that is true and beautiful can be experienced in any ten minute walk. Even in the darkest and most devastating times, love is nearby if you know what to look for. It does not always appear at first to be lovely, but instead may take the form of a hot mess or a snoring old dog. Or someone you have sworn to never, ever forgive (for a possibly very good reason, if you ask me). But mixed in will also be familiar signs of love: wings, good-hearted people, cats (when they are in the right mood), a spray of wild flowers, a cup of tea. What are we even talking about when we talk of love? What is it?
On a ten minute walk anywhere…, love abounds and abides, flirts and weeps with us. It is there for the asking, which is the easy part. Our lives’ toughest work is in the receiving. Love presents most obviously in babies and kids being cuddled, yet also as patience with annoying humans we live or work with or are. We feel love upon seeing our favorite neighbors and first responders, we see it in fund-raising efforts, peace marches, kindergarten classrooms, gardens. When flowers don’t stir feeling of love in me, something is gumming up the works.
What at first unlovely things do you see around you that are really love? What evidence of love do you see on your walk? In your day? In your home?
Love is everywhere. We just sometimes need to make sure to notice.
We hear we should fight fire with fire or get down in the gutter and fight dirty with the rest of them, but is this the best way? Won’t everyone just be hurt? Won’t our young lose role models for the importance of virtue?
What of other, softer, ways to resist?
Consider these words from Richard Rudd:
The Softening
Softness is one of the great secrets of all spiritual practice.
When we become soft, we become like water.
We let life come to us.
We trust in its flow, and we allow ourselves to be taken in whichever direction it chooses.
This is true power because it comes from love, and love is the softest thing in the universe, and yet it is the most powerful.
When you soften your attitude to yourself, to others, and to life, you release the natural wisdom that lies within you.
Your body softens, your thoughts soften, and your heart softens.
Through softness, you find clarity and purpose without needing to force anything.
Your life becomes a gentle unfolding rather than a constant battle.
No one knows what tomorrow will bring, and that can be frightening. We are in a volatile time. It helps to keep our attention on the present and what we can do here and now.
The great poets help calm our souls. Take comfort today from these tender words from Mary Oliver:
Be still, my soul, and steadfast. Earth and heaven both are still watching though time is draining from the clock and your walk, that was confident and quick, has become slow.
So, be slow if you must, but let the heart still play its true part. Love still as once you loved, deeply and without patience. Let God and the world know you are grateful. That the gift has been given.
+ Mary Oliver
We do not know what tomorrow brings, but we will approach it with full souls, grateful and loving, ready to meet the day with a steadfast heart.
How lucky we are to have friends, true friends, who are in our lives just for the delight in it, for the compatibility of spirits, for joy, for shared experience, for knowing in this great big world someone gets us.
Enjoy this poem by Kahlil Gibran:
And a youth said, Speak to us of Friendship. And he answered, saying: Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.” And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need but not your emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
Are these the times that try people’s souls? What does it mean to have your soul tried anyway?
I’ve been thinking about this picture:
Those faces, contorted in rage, caught for history. This picture, reflecting a military presence during school desegregation, anticipating, presumably, a violent reaction from the mob, freezes a moment in history. I wonder how those women feel looking back on it. Would they be ashamed to have been part of a mob hurling epithets at this young woman? Would they feel contrition?
That period in history was certainly turbulent. Fraught with animosity directed at those seeking an education, because of the color of their skins, the women in the crowd wear their anger and hate openly in their faces.
We too are in turbulent times. Whole industries are churning out content intended to divide us, to make us hate others like the women in this picture? We are fed misinformation and disinformation designed to further these divides. Presumably the motive for this hate industry is profit, but at what expense? Will this hate-filled rhetoric cost souls?
It will certainly try them, and it is our job to protect our souls. To listen deep to the wisdom that seeks love and peace, harmony and cooperation. To deplug from the constant rhetoric of othering and hate.
It’s a loud angry world. Hush and listen to the harmony of your soul.
Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Also Inauguration Day. When we picture King, we picture him as heroic, confident, strong. And these are likely the pictures you may see today.
And, of course, he was these things. Championing civil rights and railing against injustice, able to see inequity in the systems around him and dream of a better way. He was an advocate of love over hate and peaceful protest.
And yet, his life was not a peaceful one. He was killed for the beliefs he professed. And much of the progress he made was met with violence and hate.
Progress is not a straight line, and hate is ever-present. And hate can be powerful and beguiling and intimidating. And hate can creep into the consciousness of a group, or even a nation.
And yet, I will stand with King for love over hate, all these years later, and do what I can to continue his fight for justice and peace.
Because, even in the midst of hateful people and those who seek to divide, justice and truth are on the right side of history.
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