friendship

Listening to hear.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Communication can be tough, particularly after a long silence. Finding inroads, healing thaws, rediscovering common ground takes effort.

Sometimes it’s nice to have a game plan before going into what might be an emotionally-charged conversation.

Consider this one:

So often we get lost in who’s right, who’s wrong. But is that really the point? Harsh words are often spoken in just such a competition to be right. Often the words cause more harm than the original conflict. Is right/wrong really the best way? Especially when the objective is to try to get a friendship back on track.

Being gentle, vulnerable, attentive is true strength. Moving through the world with a genuine sense of curiosity rather than an avowed sense of your own rightness can open the door to a better appreciation of someone else’s point of view and a greater chance of improving, rather than destroying, the remnants of a relationship you hope to save.

Friendship in these times.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Friendships are taking a hit these days. Politics, world views, differing opinions are tearing people apart.

What is it that holds people together instead?

One thing is an abiding concern for the other person, despite your differences. If you can advocate against the death penalty on behalf of a stranger, couldn’t you bring yourself to see what is good and redeemable inside a former friend? Inside an enemy even? Searching for common ground is hard work, but really the main point of living in community. Isn’t it?

For friendship.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

How lucky we are to have friends, true friends, who are in our lives just for the delight in it, for the compatibility of spirits, for joy, for shared experience, for knowing in this great big world someone gets us.

Enjoy this poem by Kahlil Gibran:

And a youth said, Speak to us of Friendship. 
    And he answered, saying: 
    Your friend is your needs answered. 
    He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. 
    And he is your board and your fireside.
    For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace. 

    When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.” 
    And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; 
    For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. 
    When you part from your friend, you grieve not; 
    For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. 
    And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. 
    For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught. 

    And let your best be for your friend. 
    If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. 
    For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? 
    Seek him always with hours to live. 
    For it is his to fill your need but not your emptiness. 
    And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. 
    For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. 

With friends beside you.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

I recently read the book, Remarkable Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt with my book club. It is a wonderful book of, among other things, the friendship between a 70-year old widow and a giant Pacific octopus. The main character has her own group of friends who have been together for decades and call themselves the Knit-wits because they started with knitting in common.

One of my book club members, the youngest (as she often reminds us) asked at our meeting, “Are we the knit-wits?” I smiled. I have known this group of friends for decades. We raised our children together and now are delighting in grand parenthood together. We’ve weathered storms together, celebrated each other’s victories, and helped each other through loss. We meet religiously every week to catch up with each other. What a delight it is to have ‘through thick and thin’ friends.

I found this sweet friendship poem I offer here to them.

A Friend

A person who will listen and not condemn
Someone on whom you can depend
They will not flee when bad times are here
Instead they will be there to lend an ear
They will think of ways to make you smile
So you can be happy for a while
When times are good and happy there after
They will be there to share the laughter
Do not forget your friends at all
For they pick you up when you fall
Do not expect to just take and hold
Give friendship back, it is pure gold.

Gillian Jones

True blue

Posted on by Shari Swanson

It’s startling to hear something you’ve shared with someone in confidence being talked about elsewhere. It makes you feel so exposed, but, more important, it undermines trust in the relationship. Perhaps keeping secrets isn’t possible, and Ben Franklin was right when he said, “Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”

But, just maybe, people should try harder to be worthy of trust. Brené Brown talks about the important elements of trust, to the acronym BRAVING:

Boundaries
Setting boundaries is making clear what’s okay and what’s not okay, and why

Reliability
You do what you say you’ll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.

Accountability
You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.

Vault
You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.

Integrity
Choosing courage over comfort; choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and practicing your values, not just professing them.

Nonjudgment
I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.

Generosity
Extending the most generous interpretation to the intentions, words, and actions of others.

https://brenebrown.com/resources/the-braving-inventory/

It is important to learn which stories are yours to share, to leave the decision whether to share in the hands of the person who owns the story, and to be a safe place for your friend to come. We all need friends; let’s be good ones.

The benefit of the doubt

Posted on by Shari Swanson

How often do we give others the benefit of the doubt? Do we assume the innocent explanation or conclude the worst?  Are we patient, or do we pounce at the very first mistake someone makes in trying to get their thoughts out? Do we search for the best in others, or do we protect ourselves in advance about the damage we fear may be inevitable by opening our hearts to trusting someone again?

Wouldn’t it be lovely to live in a world where everyone gave everyone else the benefit of the doubt? Where perceived offenses weren’t allowed to fester and grow? Where there was trust?

Consider this beautiful poem on friendship by Dinah Maria Craik. Isn’t this how we would like to make each other feel?

Friendship

by Dinah Maria Craik

Oh, the comfort —

the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person —

having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,

but pouring them all right out,

just as they are,

chaff and grain together;

certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,

keep what is worth keeping,

and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

To have a friend

Posted on by Shari Swanson

I’ve been blessed with good friends, some friendships going back decades. What a gift it is to travel this life in the company of people who know you, warts and all, and love you. And what a sacred thing it is to be someone’s friend, trusted with their stories, their heartaches, their joys. Friendship is the glue that holds this whole crazy thing called life together.

Writer Anaïs Nin opined that “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” As Nin conveys, friendship can elicit joy, companionship, and growth—enriching our entire experience of the world.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/friends

And, as it turns out, friendship is good for what ails us:

Strong friendships are a critical aspect of most people’s emotional well-being. Research indicates that close friendships are associated with greater happiness, self-esteem, and sense of purpose. These bonds are even associated with physical outcomes, such as lower blood pressure and a longer lifespan.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/friends

So, today, let’s celebrate friendship!

Here’s to good friends.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

friends

What a blessing good friends are in our lives! To laugh and cry with, to play and work with, to share the ups and downs of life. Our friends lift us up and delight us and make the world a much happier place for their being in it and for their loving us.

Cheers to good friends!

Be a good friend.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

friendshpcement

Friendships are taking a hit these days. Politics, world views, differing opinions are tearing people apart. What is it that holds people together instead? One thing is an abiding concern for the other person, despite your differences. If you can advocate against the death penalty on behalf of a stranger, couldn’t you bring yourself to see what is good and redeemable inside a former friend? Inside an enemy even? Searching for common ground is hard work, but really the main point of living in community. Isn’t it?