There is a Museum of Medieval Torture in Hollywood. Imagine that. All the creative and horrendous ways people came up with to hurt other people. And even in this ‘modern’ era, some people spend time thinking of creative ways to hurt others, including in our penal system where solitary confinement is perhaps one of the harshest. Or in our churches, where shunning, cutting someone off from the community with no further interaction, is still practiced in many faiths.

This cruelty can extend into our most intimate relationships and friendships when one person practices the silent treatment, shutting down communication completely over some perceived transgression. Or even when they ‘ghost’ someone, disappearing completely from another’s life and leaving no trace, with no warning or explanation. And these acts like the bed of nails or drawing and quartering or yore are torture, too, because they are intended to inflict pain and misery.

In What You’re Saying When You Give Someone the Silent Treatment, Daryl Austin notes:

The silent treatment goes by many names: shunning, social isolation, stonewalling, ghosting. Although psychologists have nuanced definitions for each term, they are all essentially forms of ostracism. And the tactic is nothing new. Ancient Greeks expelled for 10 years citizens who were thought to be a threat to democracy, and early American settlers banished people accused of practicing witchcraft. Religions have frozen out individuals for centuries: Catholics call it excommunication, herem is the highest form of punishment in Judaism, and the Amish practice Meidung. The Church of Scientology recommends total “disconnection” from anyone deemed antagonistic toward the religion.

“My research suggests that two in three individuals have used the silent treatment against someone else; even more have had it done to them,” Williams said. Experts told me that although they need more data to know for certain, instances of the silent treatment have likely increased over the years as new forms of communication have been invented. “Every new method of connection can be used as a form of disconnection,” Williams said.

Ostracism can also manifest in lesser ways: someone walking out of the room in the middle of a conversation, a friend at school looking the other way when you wave at them, or a person addressing comments from everyone in a message thread except you. “Partial ostracism,” Williams told me, might mean monosyllabic replies—a terse period at the end of a one-word text message. But in serious cases, ostracism can take a heavy toll whereby victims become anxious, withdrawn, depressed, or even suicidal.

“Because we humans require social contact for our mental health, the ramifications of isolation can be severe,” Joel Cooper, a psychology professor at Princeton, told me. “In the short term, the silent treatment causes stress. In the long term, the stress can be considered abuse.”

And silent treatment hurts, not just the victim, but the perpetrator as well.

But the silent treatment ultimately harms the person causing it, too. Humans are predisposed to reciprocate social cues, so ignoring someone goes against our nature, Williams said. The perpetrator is therefore forced to justify the behavior in order to keep doing it; they keep in mind all the reasons they’re choosing to ignore someone. “You end up living in a constant state of anger and negativity,” Williams said.

One study found that social rejection provoked a response in its victims similar to that of victims of physical abuse; the anterior cingulate cortex area of the brain—the area thought to interpret emotion and pain—was active in both instances. “Exclusion and rejection literally hurt,” John Bargh, a psychology professor at Yale, told me.

So, in this modern era, what should we do when tempted to give someone the silent treatment? What can we do when we’re on the receiving end?

Perhaps the beginning of an answer is realizing just how damaging that type of behavior can be to ourselves, each other, and the relationship. Realizing that communication, no matter how fraught, is the way back into community. Appreciating that we were put here on this earth to do good, not harm.

And then going from there.

Out loud.