helping others

Moving past the past.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

One of the greatest frustrations of life is not being able to change the past, whether it is to remedy that stupid thing you just said or the larger elements of fractures in society leading to war. The only things we can really do with the past are to live with it, learn from it, and figure out how to move forward. For those who study history, seeing ugly patterns reemerge and take shape can be horrifying.

And yet, it is not all gloom and doom. Indeed, we are not helpless:

One of the curses of history is that we cannot go back and change the course leading to disasters, no matter how much we might wish to. The past has its own terrible inevitability. But it is never too late to change the future.”

― Heather Cox Richardson

We can learn from history what it takes to resist. We can remember who the real heroes were in dark times and emulate them. We can draw on community and coalitions to fight for the common good. We can continue to believe that integrity counts, that honesty and fidelity and honor matter, that kindness will always heal, and that love is, not only good, but the answer to any question.

We can fight. With whatever tools we have: words, money, presence, we can take a stand, doing our little bit of good.

As Desmond Tutu said:

Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.

It’s time to overwhelm the world.

Patron Saint of Darkness

Posted on by Shari Swanson

In 2016, Pope Francis sainted Mother Teresa. She was a beloved paragon of a selfless life, ministering to the poor and dying, shining a light on the importance of the little things and the love of family. After her death, her diaries showed her struggles with doubt. Once feeling clearly called to her mission, in the last several decades of her life she felt God’s absence. She said,

Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The Child of your Love–and now become as the most hated one–the one–You have thrown away as unwanted–unloved. I call, I cling, I want–and there is no One to answer–no One on Whom I can cling–no, No One.–Alone … Where is my Faith–even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness–My God–how painful is this unknown pain–I have no Faith–I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart–& make me suffer untold agony.

So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them–because of the blasphemy–If there be God –please forgive me–When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven–there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul.–I am told God loves me–and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart?

And on until her death, she felt God’s absence, rather than his presence. And yet she persisted doing the work to which she had been called, living a life of faith.

Some may call her a hypocrite to have an outward smile of peace and an inner crisis of faith, but isn’t her struggle every one’s struggle? Who among us doesn’t struggle with doubt? Don’t we all rely on faith when our paths grow dark and twisting?

St. Teresa of Calcutta inspires us to hang on during the dark nights of the soul, to continue to walk the walk, to be faithful and steadfast, and to shine light in the dark places. She can aptly be considered the Patron Saint of Doubters.

Reteaching loveliness.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

You and everyone around you are buds, waiting to fully bloom. Sometimes we need reminders of that fact.

Consider this poem from Galway Kinnell:

Relearning Loveliness

The bud

Stands for all things,

Even for those things that don’t flower,

For everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing:

Though sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness,

To put a hand on the brow

Of the flower,

And retell it in words and in touch,

It is lovely

Until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing.

Bless the comforters.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Bless the comforters, those who reach out and see others hurting and grief stricken, and offer them solace. Who sit with those going through difficult times, and give of their presence. Who offer kind, comforting words.

We sometimes think those who are good at comforting don’t know loss of their own, but the opposite is probably true.

As said by Rainer Maria Rilke:

Do not assume that he who seeks to comfort you now lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to find such words.

Perhaps the only good to come of great loss is the ability to recognize it in others and offer them comfort and companionship.

Bless the comforters.

Practicing courage.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Life is full of hard choices. Particularly when you aren’t the one in danger. Making those tough choices, entering the fray, speaking truth to power, defending the defenseless are vital actions for our collective survival.

As Brené Brown says, 

Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; it’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and it’s practicing your values, not just professing them. 

Practicing our values, not just professing them. What are your values? How can you bring that to bear in the choices confronting you today?

Many of us have opinions and desire to help in difficult situations but are afraid to raise our voices. We worry about alienating others or of seeming strident. But if not now, when?

Maybe we can start in small ways and exercise our courage muscles.

Consider these words from Maya Angelou:

“I would encourage us to try our best to develop courage. It’s the most important of all the virtues, because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently. You can be anything erratically — kind, fair, true, generous, all that. But to be that thing time after time, you need courage.

We need to develop courage, and we need to develop it in small ways first. Because we wouldn’t go and say, ‘I’ll pick up this 100-pound weight’ without knowing our capacity. So we need to say, ‘Oh, I’ll start by picking up a five-pound weight, then a 10-pound weight, then a 25-pound, and sooner or later I’ll be able to pick up a 100-pound weight.’ And I think that’s true with courage.

You develop a little courage, so that if you decide, ‘I will not stay in rooms where women are belittled; I will not stay in company where races, no matter who they are, are belittled; I will not take it; I will not sit around and accept dehumanizing other human beings’ — if you decide to do that in small ways, and you continue to do it — finally you realize you’ve got so much courage. Imagine it — you’ve got so much courage that people want to be around you. They get a feeling that they will be protected in your company.” — Maya Angelou

Look for ways to test your voice and develop your courage muscles today. Perhaps it’s in saying you disagree, perhaps it’s posting something to show solidarity with those going through difficulty, perhaps it’s speaking truth to power. Today, a five pound weight of courage flexing. Soon, you will develop the courage you need for the big battles ahead.

Persevere

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Sometimes things hum along nicely, and you can feel a deep sense of progress in yourself, your relationships, and the world.

Sometimes the opposite is true.

You feel yourself retreating and losing hope. Your relationships fray. Progress in the world is wiped away.

At times like these, we need to hunker down and draw on a well of hope inside in each of us that springs up with the knowledge that we can do better, we deserve better, and we will fight for ourselves and each other to make the world better.

We may not know yet the battleground we will be called to or the terms of engagement.

We do, though, know the weaponry we will fight with.

Love, honesty, integrity, justice, compassion. These tools of the light will vanquish darkness. We can’t forget what is good and right.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

We must persevere.

Empathy for the win.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Nothing is more important than empathy
for another human being’s suffering.
Not a career.
Not wealth.
Not intelligence.
Certainly not status.
We have to feel for one another
if we’re going to survive
with dignity.

~Audrey Hepburn

Studies show empathy, the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes and consider their point of view, might be on the decline in the United States. With a lack of empathy comes the possibility of othering, cruelty, and self-absorption.

What can we do to increase our empathy for others?

Consider this novel idea: empathy walks. Literally mirroring someone’s walk, not in a stalkery or critical way, but as a silent practice in visualizing what it must be like to be that person. Consider this example:

It all started on one of my regular walks into town. I was head-down, in a hurry, when I noticed an older woman ahead of me. She was walking slowly—agonizingly slowly, if I’m being honest—and my first instinct was annoyance. But then I thought about the old acting school exercise. What if, instead of speeding up to dodge her, I matched her pace? So, I slowed down, mimicking her small, deliberate steps, the way she slightly leaned to one side, her arms swaying as if carrying invisible weights.

And then it hit me: empathy. Not the mushy, Hallmark-card kind, but a physical understanding of what it might feel like to be her. As I moved like her, my irritation evaporated. I didn’t just see her; I felt her. I thought about the phrase “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes,” and realized it’s not the shoes that matter; it’s the walk….

So, the next time you’re out walking, try it. Pick someone ahead of you and mimic their stride. Notice where they’re tight, where they’re loose, how they carry themselves. Let their tension teach you about your own. Let their walk reshape yours. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel a little less separate and a little more connected—to them, to yourself, and to this messy, beautiful, shared experience we call being human.

The Value of an Empathy Walk by Maggie Rowe

We are all different, with different joys and burdens, challenges and delights. We each bring a different package of strengths and weaknesses to any situation. As we begin to appreciate the different points of views and perspectives of those around us, our empathy grows, and with that, our own world expands.

We are needed, that is all we can know.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Do not lose heart. The challenges you see today are the ones you must face. You are strong enough to do your part, and you will find allies everywhere you look.

Do not be afraid.

You may feel you are riding on stormy seas, but look around you. In the words of Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes:

Look out over the prow; there are millions of boats of righteous souls on the waters with you. Even though your veneers may shiver from every wave in this stormy roil, I assure you that the long timbers composing your prow and rudder come from a greater forest. That long-grained lumber is known to withstand storms, to hold together, to hold its own, and to advance, regardless.

In any dark time, there is a tendency to veer toward fainting over how much is wrong or unmended in the world. Do not focus on that. There is a tendency, too, to fall into being weakened by dwelling on what is outside your reach, by what cannot yet be. Do not focus there. That is spending the wind without raising the sails.

We are needed, that is all we can know. And though we meet resistance, we more so will meet great souls who will hail us, love us and guide us, and we will know them when they appear. Didn’t you say you were a believer? Didn’t you say you pledged to listen to a voice greater? Didn’t you ask for grace? Don’t you remember that to be in grace means to submit to the voice greater?

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good.

You do not need to do everything. Do what you can, where you can, with what you can. Your actions combined with actions from millions of like-minded individuals will make a difference for good.

Do not lose heart.

Bearing one another’s burdens.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Also Inauguration Day. When we picture King, we picture him as heroic, confident, strong. And these are likely the pictures you may see today.

And, of course, he was these things. Championing civil rights and railing against injustice, able to see inequity in the systems around him and dream of a better way. He was an advocate of love over hate and peaceful protest.

And yet, his life was not a peaceful one. He was killed for the beliefs he professed. And much of the progress he made was met with violence and hate.

Progress is not a straight line, and hate is ever-present. And hate can be powerful and beguiling and intimidating. And hate can creep into the consciousness of a group, or even a nation.

And yet, I will stand with King for love over hate, all these years later, and do what I can to continue his fight for justice and peace.

Because, even in the midst of hateful people and those who seek to divide, justice and truth are on the right side of history.

What kind of difference will you make?

Posted on by Shari Swanson

As I write this, Los Angeles is burning. Many have lost their homes, their lives, their livelihoods. Many are displaced. All of us who live here are afraid, as near 100 mile per hour winds buffet our homes and render firefighting difficult if not impossible. All of us are thinking about the possibility of losing the security of home. We are one turn in the wind away from being displaced. We didn’t do anything to deserve this any more than any victim of natural disaster.

And perhaps, like me, we look around at what is happening and see people making choices.

Heroic firefighters and first responders rushing into danger.

Churches opening their doors to accept the displaced.

Grassroots attempts to collect funds and supplies for those hardest hit.

People praying and reaching out to comfort and shelter their neighbors.

And yet, we can’t help but see the others.

A suspected arsonist arrested.

A politician lying to cast blame on his enemies, making light of human suffering.

People mocking those who have lost their homes if they are rich or famous as if the wealthy can’t suffer.

People making things better and people making things worse. Isn’t that always the way? People who help and people who hurt.

And on behalf of people in the middle of this crisis, bags packed, waiting to know if they will have to flee their homes and lose everything, trying to decide what to bring or maybe not even having time for that, I will say how the actions of people out of harm’s way makes a tremendous impact. Calls and emails from people checking in and expressing concern, offers of help and sanctuary, heroic actions on behalf of others, fills us with hope and community in the midst of the darkness. Thank you to those people.

This time it is we who live in Los Angeles suffering, but tomorrow it could be you. No one is immune from the possibility of loss.

The question in all of it always is, what kind of difference will you decide to make with your life, for most assuredly what you do will make a difference. So which is it?

Help or hurt?