The complicated mirror.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

reflection

Who really bugs you? Like get-under-your-skin and keep-you-up-at-night bugs you? There’s a reason, perhaps, and it’s not pretty.

In this insightful article, “I Am the Reason My Husband Infuriates Me”, Christine Carter tackles an annoying problem–projection:

We project, psychologically speaking, when we unconsciously and unknowingly attribute our judgments about ourselves to other people.

See, the thing that drives me most crazy about myself is that I often make big elaborate behavioral plans and then I don’t follow through on them. For example, I’ve recently stopped meditating (again) after making a plan to meditate more over the summer. The perfectionist in me has been a mess of guilt and anxiety over this, something I didn’t consciously realize until I found myself dressing Mark down for not following through on our picky eater protocol.

We humans have blind spots. It is often hard for us to see our own failings, but it can be very easy for us to see what’s wrong with other people. The people around us, particularly our spouses, are like mirrors. We see clearly what we don’t like, but we get it backwards.

It’s not them, it’s us.

Martha Beck cleverly calls this charming human propensity “You spot it, you got it.”

But there is good news. If we stop and realize we are projecting, we can take our own advice–you know, the advice you spontaneously give that annoying person:

That doesn’t mean that we are always projecting when we see other people’s flaws, or when we see the ways that others can learn and improve. But when we feel particularly emotional about a situation? When we feel hooked and irrational or harshly judgmental about someone else’s shortcomings, rather than empathetic or compassionate? We are probably projecting.

Projection is an undeniable human tendency, and I think it is pretty wonderful, actually, because it allows us to see ourselves more clearly, to better understand what is causing us anxiety and stress.

The greatest thing about projection, to me, is that it comes with a set of instructions for our own growth and happiness. We’ll usually do well to do whatever it is we wish otherpeople would do (or stop doing).

So if you catch yourself unusually wound up and emotional about something, pause, and take a good look in the mirror. Is it possible that the infuriating behavior is something you do, too?

 

Fear as motivation?

Posted on by Shari Swanson

fearwilson

What should we make of fear? Of course, fear is often what helps us exercise caution and keeps us whole. But what of the fear that makes us give up before we try? Fear of failure, or success, or looking like an idiot, or putting ourselves out there just to be rejected–what of these?

Perhaps those types of fear should just be viewed as motivation for the next life stage to enter, another step on the journey. Perhaps, even if our ultimate fear is realized, it won’t be half as bad as not stepping out and trying.

ABCs of the heart.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

abcheart

Reading level, standardized test scores, college prep–more, better, faster. Repeat.

But what of the heart? There is so much to teach a child about the heart:

  • How it breaks when someone you love doesn’t love you back
  • How it thrills to find a kindred spirit
  • How it is comforted when someone simply sits with you and shares space
  • How it hurts when we don’t treat each other with compassion and kindness
  • How it longs to connect
  • How it knows what the brain often forgets–that we are all family

There is no standardized test for kindness, no flash cards for compassion, no prize for finding the lonely person and keeping them company. But these, too, are where a well-rounded education lies. On these lessons, too, depends our future.

Err on the side of love.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

errlove

We tend to judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. What that looks like in practice is forgiving ourselves for a lot of things–selfishness, neglect, mistakes–that we don’t forgive anyone else for when the same harm is done to us.

But what if we flipped that and gave other people the benefit of the doubt and show them the same understanding we give ourselves? What if their statements that seem hurtful are merely ill thought out? What if  what feels like neglect is really just busyness with something else? What if everyone is intending to do their best, but falls short over and over?

Just like we do.

Instead of anger, hurt, and frustration, our relationships would be peppered with compassion and understanding and the ability to grow and blossom.

What’s constant?

Posted on by Shari Swanson

change.jpg

It is so easy to get settled in–to our homes, our lives, our ideas, our expectations, our views of the world. We put down roots, dig in, and clench, holding tight.

But, inevitably, something comes along to upset the apple cart.

And then what?

For those who insist on that one way to do or see things, what comes is a lot of frustration, heartache, and anger. But for those who can bend, open to another point of view, and keep learning–never stop learning– what comes is the next chapter.

What’s shadow?

Posted on by Shari Swanson

suffer

How many of our daily fears and worries are consumed by things that may never happen? Or by inferences or assumptions that may not jibe with did happen? Or by reliving in our heads over and over again past trauma?

How much suffering is from the actual event or trauma itself?

Sometimes it’s helpful to breathe deeply and remind ourselves of our connection to the earth, our senses, this place and time. Our worries and fears can run wild if we don’t constantly remind ourselves that they are not solid like a pebble in our hand, but amorphous and changeable depending on our perspective.

Quiet.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

shout

What are the fine things you long to say?

The things we scream at each other–accusations, threats, boasts, hate– are those ever the fine things in your heart?

Maybe it’s time to tone down the rhetoric, quiet our voices, and listen to each other.

Dare to dream.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

bezos

How risk adverse are you? It’s only natural to want to protect ourselves from failure or danger, but should we? Isn’t pushing those boundaries where innovation happens, where new discoveries are made, where new friendships are forged?

Isn’t it in the picking ourselves up from failure and trying again, where we build strength and resilience?

 

Look out for each other.

Posted on by Shari Swanson

servicebond

A few days ago, two little boys were caught in a rip tide and swept out to sea. Their entire family and four woud-be rescuers tried to swim out to save them but ended up similarly stranded.  Officials on shore stood, helpless, waiting for a rescue boat while the family and would-be rescuers floundered.

But then the people on the beach did a remarkable thing. People from all walks of life, across every possible difference or division, linked arms together and formed a human chain stretching out into the ocean until they reached those stuck and and then passed them person to person, beginning with the little boys, Noah (11) and Stephen (8), and ending with their grandmother who had tried to save them, back to safety.

Stories like this don’t get a lot of press. But it’s why we’re here. To help each other. To make a difference.

What do you have to lose?

Posted on by Shari Swanson

entitlement

What do you feel entitled to? Your life, job, spouse, happiness, health, good weather? It’s remarkable how we can feel that we have earned our stations in life and are entitled to all the good things.

Until something happens to take it away.

A diagnosis, job loss, natural disaster, and then we realize we weren’t entitled to any of it after all. It was a gift, and we hadn’t been grateful.

Think of all you have been blessed with and be grateful.