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  We all know what love is, don’t we? You can’t really measure it scientifically. There’s no formula for how to produce it, but we definitely know when it’s there and when it’s not. And we all value love and want it in our lives. More, please, even. So how do we cultivate more loving relationships?

One thing we do know how to make is a garden. We plant seeds, carefully chosen to thrive in a particular environment–sunny or shady, temperate or tropical, warm or cold.  We water the plants. We fertilize. We trim branches and vines when they become overgrown. We keep weeds out.

What if we cultivate love like we cultivate our gardens?

In her lecture series, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection and Courage, Brenè Brown says,

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

 

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

 

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.

So, to follow the analogy, what soil, sun, water, and tending are to a garden, trust, respect, kindness, and affection are to a relationship. That is the place where love thrives. We hold ourselves in that space, that garden, and treat ourselves with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Then, once we’re used to how that feels, we invite others into that garden and shower them with trust, respect, kindness, and affection as well.

Can you imagine a place where trust, respect, kindness, and affection flourish? It’s a tender place. A beautiful place. It encourages rather than criticizes. It is considerate rather than thoughtless. It treats others as itself. And it gives of itself to help the union grow.

How would that kind of garden transform your home, your classroom, your neighborhood, your world?

But, remember, in any garden, we keep out weeds and do some pruning. Stomping on plants, wild animals, too much or too little sun and water, weeds, and neglect can kill a garden. In the same way, shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection destroy loving relationships.

Today, as you engage in relationship, shower yourself and those in your garden with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Keep shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection far, far away. They don’t belong there.

And then watch your love garden blossom. It will delight you and make your life fragrant and colorful!

Are you ever sleepless? Sometimes it’s hard to stop ruminating over things long enough to fall asleep. We replay events of the day, preview possible scenarios for tomorrow, stew over grievances from yesterday. It’s hard to just sink off and get the sleep we need.

In her short story, “The Cure for Sleeplessness“, Maeve Binchy creates a magic cure for sleeplessness:

Molly read the advice slowly. It was a detailed instruction about how the cure would take three weeks and you had to follow every step of it. First you had to buy a big notebook with at least twenty pages in it, and stick a picture on the cover, something connected with flowers. It could be a field of bluebells or a bunch of roses. Then on the night you couldn’t sleep you must get up quietly and dress properly as if you were going out visiting. You had to fix your hair and look your best. Then you made a cup of tea and got out the notebook with the flower on the cover. In your best handwriting you wrote “My Book of Blessings” on it. That first night you chose just one thing that made you happy. No more than one, and choose it carefully. It could be a love, a baby, a house, a sunset, a friend. And you wrote one page, no more, no less, about the happiness that this particular blessing brought you.

 

Then you spent a whole hour doing something you had meant to do, like polishing silver, or mending torn curtains, or arranging photographs in an album. No matter how tired you felt, you must finish it, then undress carefully and go back to bed….

 

Every night she wrote about a different blessing.

 

Things like the night Gerry finally told her he loved her, when his face was white and red alternately, in case she might not love him too.

 

Like the moment after Billy was born when she held him in her arms.

 

Like her parents’ silver wedding anniversary, when they had said that they knew their daughters would be as happy as they were and everyone had cried.

 

Like that time in the advertising agency when the boss said that Molly had saved all their jobs by her quick thinking and they had all raised a glass of Champagne to her for winning the account.

Now most of this advice and all of the examples are pure Binchy, but the gratitude part is backed by science.

A gratitude journal is good for what ails you. As you call to mind your blessings, think about why you are grateful for that particular blessing, the details surrounding it, the sensations associated with it. Write it down somewhere so you can remember. If so inclined, write a thank you note to someone who made a difference in your life. Remember to say thank yous at work, home, and school. If you encounter a problem, try to see if there is an unexpected blessing hidden there somewhere.

And then, tonight, if you should have trouble falling asleep, count your blessings instead of sheep.

Do you find yourself comparing your life with that of your friends or co-workers? Science says that Facebook and other social media can actually make people feel sad rather than connected because it seems like your friends are having a better time than you are. Often that comparison is misleading.

But always that comparison is beside the point. There will always be someone smarter, richer, more accomplished, happier, etc. than you; just like you will be all those things for someone else.

The challenge is to be happy with what you are and have. At times like these, it is comforting to read Saint Teresa of Calcutta’s words:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

            If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

            If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

           If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

            What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

            If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

            The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

         Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

         In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

Don’t worry about the Joneses. Instead, keep your heart grateful and your actions focussed on making a positive difference in this world.

Children have a way of shaking things up. Don’t they? They see things we’ve stopped noticing. They question things we’ve started to take for granted. They cause us to stop and notice. They hold up a giant mirror to us and cause us to do some soul-searching.

That is, if we take the time to listen.

Why is that person asking for money? Why are people starving? Why do some people get treated better? Why do you say one thing in public but do another in private? Is this fair? Does everyone cheat? Does everyone lie?  Is there a better way?

They force us to confront the gap between what we say they should do and what we do, or what society does, or what their friends do. Most adults suffer from some degree of cognitive dissonance: the mental discomfort from holding two or more differing beliefs, ideas or values at the same time. We value honesty but cheat on our taxes. We tell them not to bully others but then bully them or laugh as others are bullied. We tell them never to hit someone else while spanking them. We tell them all children are precious but then harbor racial or gender biases.

They notice.

And they point it out.

For those of us listening, this is a time to ask ourselves what we do, in fact, stand for and then work to align our lives with those values, to be internally and externally consistent.

For an unbelievably uplifting video of a diverse group of kids singing their hearts out, please watch this video. It will start your day off with hope and promise and excitement for the future of our nation and world.

Love is an action verb and it requires an object. X loves Y. A mother loves her child. A man loves his wife. What does that mean to love? While the dictionary may tell you that it means that you have certain feelings for someone, experience tells you that it means acting on those feelings, day in and day out, in the way you treat the one you love. Substitute a different transitive verb in its place, throw, for instance: A boy throws the ball. That throwing, the action, defines the relationship between that boy and the ball. Without the throwing, you just have a ball and a boy sharing space.

Isn’t that true of love, as well? It’s nice that you did things in the past that were loving, or look forward to a happy Valentine’s day or some event in the future. But what are you doing NOW to love someone?

Do you ever feel tossed about, disconnected, or alone? Perhaps we can learn something from the trees. Did you know that the giant Quaking Aspen forest is really just basically one tree with a single root system? Each of the trees is identical to the rest DNA-wise, all shooting up (and looking like separate trees) from the same shallow root system. Similarly, the Redwood, among the oldest living things on Earth, shares its relatively shallow root system with other redwoods and other trees. That interconnectedness is its strength and helps the huge trees withstand storms and heavy winds.

We are not meant to be isolated but thrive in community. Like the trees, when we are interconnected with others, we can rely on each other for strength when we are buffeted about by life.

Where can you put down your roots? Find that community–whether it be a group joined by faith, neighborhood, family, interests, or goals. We all need to provide support for and receive support from others.

Is there something challenging on your agenda today? Perhaps a difficult task or conversation? It will help if you can take a minute and remember some of the hard things you have accomplished and remind yourself that you can do and have done hard things.

In today’s world, parents often swoop in and rescue their children rather than letting that child struggle. These helicopter parents might actually be preventing their kids from growing stronger. Barbara Kingsolver credits the Montessori preschool she sent her children to with teaching her that struggle, failure, and persistence is ultimately what teaches a child that he can indeed do hard things.

Kids learn self-esteem from mastering difficult tasks.  It’s as simple as that. The Montessori teachers told me to put my two-year-old on a stool and give her the bread, give her the peanut butter, give her the knife — a blunt knife — and let her make that sandwich and get peanut butter all over the place, because when she’s done, she’ll feel like a million bucks.  I thought that was brilliant.  Raising children became mostly a matter of enabling them and standing back and watching.  When a task was difficult, that’s when I would tell them, “You can do hard things.”  Both of them have told me they still say to themselves, “I can do hard things.”  It helps them feel good about who they are, not just after they’ve finished, but while they’re engaged in the process.

Tell yourself again and again, if necessary: You can do hard things! (And then go out and do them!!)